Defining “angry giver”. An “angry giver” is a person who routinely puts their needs on the back burner in order to “please” others. On the surface it sounds quite noble but in reality it is an emotionally destructive behavioral pattern.
The “angry giver” tends to go ten extra miles at work. They volunteer to lead projects, plan events, come in without pay on their days off and are viewed as the go to person for everything nobody else has time to do. On the surface the “angry giver” desires to be seen as the ultimate team player, however, below the surface they harbor resentment, feel guilty, cast judgement and regret never having enough time to get their own work done. When asked how everything is going they will smile and say…”I’m a team player, and this sure is a great team to be on”. Inside they are oozing pissed off because of their inability to say NO.
At home, the “angry giver” does everything for everyone. They work “tirelessly” to ensure that everyone’s needs are met. After all, “my family would be lost without me”. To the “angry giver” meeting everyone’s needs is an expression of “love”. In reality it is extreme co-dependent behavior. THOUGHT: “Feed a man a fish, feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. When we do everything for our spouse or kids we are failing to teach them self reliance. In essence we are saying to them…YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE. Children, especially, must develop a sense of self sufficiency in order to grow their self esteem. I have a client who still cooks all her son’s meals, does his laundry and drives him to and from school. FYI…He is scheduled to start college next fall. Is this extreme need to be needed helping or hurting her son?
The “angry giver” routinely engages in activities they really don’t enjoy in order to please people who could really care less. “Going along to get along” is a common way of being for the “angry giver”. In social settings it is not uncommon for an “angry giver” to smile and proclaim what a wonderful time they are having when in reality they would prefer to be doing something they actually enjoy. The “angry giver” is the undisputed champion of implicit communication. THOUGHT: IF YOU DON’T DIG IT, DON’T DO IT! In other words, start doing things that you enjoy, opposed to doing what you believe others expect you to do.
WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US! 4 Tips From A Recovering “Angry Giver”.
1. Learn to say NO. We must establish our boundaries and put OUR needs first. When we put OUR needs and priorities first, something interesting happens….WE HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME & ENERGY TO SERVE OTHERS IN A TRULY JOYFUL MANNER.
2. Become SELF CENTERED. It’s time to prioritize our desires and needs. During our time as an “angry giver” we taught everyone how to treat us. We taught them that our time was not valuable, that their needs were more important than ours and that it was all right to be taken advantage of at work or in business. We must now introduce these people to our new way of being. Trust me, you will meet a great deal of resistance in the beginning. Being SELF CENTERED means we are grounded in our authentic self. It has nothing to do with being selfish.
3. Delegate. There is no award given to the “sucker” who does everything for everyone at the expense of their own career or personal relationships. (This includes the relationship we have with ourselves) For example, when we learn to delegate household chores or assignments at work we are holding others capable. Most people, when held capable, rise to the occasion. Try it, you’ll like it!
4. STOP over extending yourself. We don’t need to simultaneously be the classroom parent, HOA board member, fundraising chair and the social director at our church. In most cases, it is our quest for significance that causes us to over extend. Remember, the more activities we are engaged in the less time we have for ourselves. Over time this will cause many of us to become “angry givers”. I always encourage my clients to volunteer for things that they are passionate about but to set a limit of no more than two at any one time. This helps us keep our lives in perspective.
There are those who DO and those who SPEW. More commonly stated…those who “walk the walk” and those who “talk the talk”.
do: transitive verb. To bring to pass, carry out, perform, execute.
spew: verb. Spout, gush, spurt, discharge, emit, eject, vomit, flowing in a fast and forceful way.
All of us know people who are “doers” and we probably know some who are “spewers”. The majority of successful people I meet tend to exhibit a high level of self confidence. Their speech and physiology reflect this self confidence. Doers never apologize for their success. On the other hand, spewers go to great lengths to “talk around” their lack of results. “The timing just isn’t right” or “I need to talk this over with a couple hundred people before I can commit” or “I need to wait until I have enough money to get started” are examples of what you can expect to hear from a spewer. Regardless of timing, funds or consensus, doers take the ball and run! “Spewers” know a bit of lingo here and there but routinely disappear whenever they are challenged to step outside their comfort zone to take meaningful action or personal responsibility. Lets take a closer look at some of the key characteristics of DOERS & SPEWERS.
Focus. Doers set meaningful objectives and get to work. They remain focused in the face of adversity. When problems arise they channel their energy toward finding solutions. They do not get distracted by bright, shiny, objects.
Love Challenges. Doers love challenges and thrive on being told that something can’t be done, especially if the challenge is being directed at their ability.
Prioritize Health. Doers rely on energy and realize that health is their greatest asset. They exercise and pay close attention to what goes into their body.
Bottom Line Mentality. Doers take full responsibility for ALL of their actions and decisions. Doers want the ball when the game is on the line and their followers want to get it to them!
Talkers. Due mainly to their profound sense of insecurity, spewers “talk the talk” but rarely back it up with any type of meaningful action. They will be among the first to let you know when you are “doing something wrong” but rarely can they provide a solution for doing it better..
Prone To Blame. Spewers are masters of the blame game. They habitually blame other people or circumstances for their lack of initiative and results.
Bullies. Spewers routinely force their thoughts and beliefs onto other people. If you disagree with a spewer or present them with a differing point of view they may try to overwhelm you with BS and if that doesn’t work they may revert to anger.
Quit Easily & Often. When the going gets tough, spewers tend to exit stage left. Quitting is a habit. They quit, rationalize it and move on to the next “great thing”. They rarely give anything a chance to germinate. They possess an instant gratification mindset.
FROM SPEWER TO DOER IN 3 STEPS…
1. Facing our fears! When we take ownership of our fear we no longer have to make excuses or blame people and circumstances (spew) for why we can’t do something. Once we acknowledge our fear we can then move to the next step….
2. Commit to taking MASSIVE ACTION. The most effective way to overcome our fear is by overwhelming it with MASSIVE ACTION! When we remain in action mode we don’t have time to focus on fear. Once we have committed to taking MASSIVE ACTION the only thing we have to remember is….
3. Don’t quit. No matter how hard things are, how loud the voices in our head become or how many “your a loser” programs we begin running, it’s imperative to press on.
If you made it to the end of this message my guess is that your a doer. Remember, solidifying a new habit takes 90 days of focused activity. If you find yourself struggling in an area of your life an effective life or business coach can help you successfully execute these 3 steps. Here’s to doing!!!
We all have needs. We need air, water and food to survive. Most of us have a need to feel safe, secure, loved and cared for. I believe we can all agree that these are healthy needs. Unfortunately, not all of our needs are healthy. Many are destructive and can significantly stifle our personal and professional growth? Let’s take a closer look at 5 unhealthy needs and what we can do to create a shift.
1. The Need To Be Right. This need causes people to become argumentative, confrontational, condescending and vindictive. This need is Ego driven. The need to be right can be very polarizing in our personal and professional relationships. A person needing to be right struggles to consider any point of view that differs from than their own. Growth occurs when we become open and accepting of NEW and DIFFERENT beliefs, opinions and perspectives. It’s not as important to be right as it is to be respectful in our communication with others.
2. The Need For Constant Approval. This person expects to be acknowledged for everything they do. This juvenile, insecurity driven need is emotionally draining to spouses, friends, family members and co-workers. If you don’t acknowledge and shower them with praise they often become angry and resentful. Growth occurs when we learn to be humble. Our ACTIONS will always speak much louder than our words. We must learn to accept unsolicited praise, say thank you and move on. Nobody likes being around a person who “gloats” or demands acknowledgement.
3. The Need To Be Noticed. A person driven by this need is heavily influenced by appearances and is always in search of a new audience. They tend to base their self worth on material possessions and will go to great lengths to “flaunt their stuff”. Characteristically, they are loud, boisterous communicators. They will do anything to grab the spotlight and they love to be seen as the “star of the show”. When they feel ignored, many will throw “adult temper tantrums” in a last ditch effort to satisfy their craving for attention. Growth occurs when we realize that substance is much sexier than stuff. People who crave notoriety tend to be seen as “show offs and braggarts”. People who exhibit humility and gratitude are generally seen as intelligent, trustworthy, responsible people.
4. The Need For Control. This need is fueled by insecurity and fear. Control is an avoidance strategy. At a subconscious level, the controller is simply avoiding their own self doubt and fear by focusing their energy on “fixing” and “manipulating” the people around them. Controllers are disappointed, frustrated and angry most of the time because rarely if ever do the people around them live up to their rigid expectations. “Control freaks” have a deep seated fear of being out of control and will do everything they can to control their environment. Growth occurs when we release our death grip on control, face our fears, embrace and accept failure, learn to delegate, appreciate that most people don’t desire to be “fixed” and commence on a dedicated journey toward self acceptance.
5. The Need To Be Needed. In my book Wisdom Through Failure, I refer to this need as “Helpful Harry Syndrome”. Helpful Harry routinely prioritizes the needs of others before his own. At first glance this seems to be a noble trait but in reality it is an avoidance strategy. Eventually, Helpful Harry becomes an angry giver as he comes to realize that many of his needs are not being met. The need to be needed does not encourage self sufficiency. In other words, “Helpful Harry’s” are teaching their children, spouses and employees to rely on others first. Growth occurs when we establish the habit of meeting our own needs before we focus on meeting the needs of others. With that being said, it is important to prioritize the needs of small children, those with disabilities and of course the elderly. We must encourage our adult children, spouses and employees to become problem solvers and doers. Admittedly, many may consider this a “self centered” approach, however, in the long term it will pay big dividends.
The beauty of personal growth is that ALL of us are a work in progress. It is VERY safe to say that none of us will ever achieve total mastery. We are human! Our goal is to recognize a familiar program when it begins to run and make an immediate shift toward our truth. With each shift we lay the foundation for our NEW REALITY. As a wise man once said…SHIFT HAPPENS!
REHAB…What really happens behind closed doors?
Review. Our first step is to take an in depth look at what has and hasn’t worked during the previous quarter. Did we reach the goals we set? If not, why? In order to reach our objectives we must have a strategic plan in place along with a reliable system to measure our progress. We must be willing to make course corrections when necessary. Conducting a comprehensive review enables us to analyze our past performance and then chart a new course for the upcoming quarter, a course that is based heavily on our past success. Heed the adage…”if it ain’t broken, don’t try and fix it”.
Edit. What needs to be changed, modified or re-designed? If something isn’t working it’s often time to make a directional shift. Having edited the previous quarter we can now establish new objectives and create a detailed strategy for accomplishing our goals.
Habits. What habits are keeping us from reaching our stated objectives?. What new habits can we establish that will support our vision? For example, we may find that we have created the habit of avoidance in a specific area of our business. This habit may be what is keeping us from reaching our full potential. Armed with this awareness we can begin establishing new habits, habits that will move us closer to our stated objective and away from our avoidance strategies.
Action. What actions do we need to take in order to meet our objectives? Action leads to results. Massive action leads to massive results. I refer to this as the law of action. When we hit the proverbial wall or find ourselves experiencing doubt or fear the ONLY way we will experience a BREAKTHROUGH is by engaging in massive action. Action is the great equalizer.
Brainstorm. What new, innovative ideas will we incorporate into our next 90 day burst of focused activity? What resources (material and human) can we enroll into our action plan? Who can we add to our mastermind group that will bring additional insight to our mission? (If you don’t have a mastermind group it is a good idea to start one) Brainstorming is inspiring and can be extremely beneficial as we grow our business. Remember, the quality of our life experience is a direct reflection of the questions we ask.
In 1990, the late Stephen R. Covey wrote his international Bestseller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. During the past 23 years, over 25 million copies of this book have been sold. Millions of people attribute their personal success to the fact that they mastered the 7 habits taught in this “mega bestseller”. I personally find the 7 habits to be great tools for maintaining focus in both my personal and professional endeavors. For those of you who may have forgotten or are not familiar with the 7 habits, here is a quick recap. 1. Be proactive. 2. Begin with the end in mind. 3. Put first things first. 4. Think win/win. 5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. 6. Synergize. 7. Sharpen the saw. These are great habits that apply to both life and business.
As a peak performance coach, I have the opportunity to visit with many clients who are proactive, focused, happy and driven. These individuals seem to run their lives in a manner congruent with Mr. Covey’s 7 habits. I also have the opportunity to visit with other clients who are frustrated, angry, stuck and resentful. Many of my clients seem perplexed by the current quality of their lives? I am usually able to quickly identify the reason why. They too are living 7 habits, the 7 habits of highly INEFFECTIVE people. Here is an overview of these 7 habits….
- Short term thinkers. Ineffective people rarely look at the bigger picture. They routinely sidestep the “process” of success because they want it NOW. This “habit” haunts their personal and professional lives and they are prone to blame other people or their circumstances when things don’t live up to their expectations. Being proactive is uncomfortable for them.
- They CLING to their comfort zone. As long as ineffective people can remain safe and comfortable they enjoy internal peace. However, when they experience any type of resistance they experience an internal turmoil. Because of their extreme need for security, ineffective people base the majority of their decisions on whether something feels “bad” or “good”. They are ruled by their emotions. They don’t care about “the end” and they see no reason to begin with it in mind.
- They “POO POO” personal growth. A highly ineffective person will be the first one to crack a joke about your “self help guru” or admonish you for paying thousands of dollars to be “brainwashed” at a Tony Robbins seminar. They are adept at using humor and sarcasm to project onto others that which they are afraid to confront in their own lives. Rather than choosing to face and conquer their fears they put “belittling” others as their “first thing first”. They are master “deflectors”.
- They Lack BELIEF. Ineffective people lack a fundamental belief in themselves and their ability. This lack of belief causes them to play the game of life with the objective of “not losing” as opposed to “playing to win”. They believe that in every situation there will always be a winner and a loser. They view failure as the ultimate loss. Win/Win situations simply don’t make sense to an ineffective person. Their entire life is built around a win/lose model.
- EGO Driven. Ineffective people seem to run a continuous “looking good” program. They invest a tremendous amount of time and resources in an attempt to impress people who more than likely could care less. The EGO is a killer of dreams and if left unchecked it will keep you BROKE. If you want to know exactly how much you are investing in what other people think, I encourage you to take this simple test. Weigh your EGO and then weigh your bank account. Which one is heavier? Seek to understand the true role that the EGO is playing in your life. You may find that you are paying a very steep price!
- Ineffective people focus on the WRONG things. Whatever you focus on long enough will usually come to pass. Ineffective people focus on scarcity, lack, rejection and failure. They attract other like minded people who support their misguided focus. What we think about we bring about should be a huge wake up call for all of us. We should strive to create empowering synergy.
- Ineffective people possess “dull blades”. If we are not growing, we are dying. If we are not learning new things, keeping up with technology and constantly developing stronger skill sets, we will be doomed to a life of extreme mediocrity. In order to rise from mediocrity to greatness we must be willing to sharpen the saw!
In order to become a highly effective person one must quit looking for reasons NOT to get the job done. We must be willing to “burn the ships” and leave no other option but to win and win BIG! Remember, if you keep doing what you have been doing, you will continue getting what you have been getting. The question becomes…Are you happy with what you have been getting? If the answer is NO then it might just be time to change your habits.
I look forward to your thoughts and feedback.
During any given week, the vast majority of us are exposed to hundreds of “motivational” messages. If you are feeling depressed, overwhelmed, overweight, spiritually lost or your relationship has lost it’s zeal, someone has the answer for you. All a person has to do is log onto their Facebook stream where they will find a plethora of motivational messages that are provided free of charge, courtesy of a diverse group of individuals who are more than likely just as ” screwed up” as we are. I like to call it mirroring. One must ask, what messages are freely given to the person who doesn’t desire to be “fixed” or “uplifted”, the person who simply wants to live a “low exertion lifestyle”? This message is for YOU!!! I have compiled a “fool proof” check list that is guaranteed to help you remain a chronic underachiever. These tips will serve you well as you continue down your path of least resistance.
Ten Steps To Guaranteed Failure…
1.Establish several extremely vague goals. Use phrases like “I think I want a new car” or “It would be cool to go on a nice vacation somewhere”. The vaguer your goal is, the greater the odds are that you will never achieve it!
2. Try hard not to visualize your goals. Remember, when we stay focused on anything long enough it may just come to fruition. Be careful what you focus on!
3.When you verbalize your goals make sure to use negative language. THIS IS CRITICAL!!! Using words like CAN’T and TRY will help you kill your goals before they have a chance to gain traction. “I Can’t ever lose weight” or I’ll give it a TRY” are very effective goal killers!
4. Do not set up any type of measurement system. Your objective is to remain as inactive as possible. Having a plan or measurement system is going to complicate this process. There is no need to feel like you must stretch and grow.
5.Take minimal or no action at all. Feel free to talk about your goals but under no circumstances should you move towards them. Action can be a fatal mistake for an underachiever.
6.Make sure that the timing is never right. By implementing this strategy you are ensuring that you will always have an “out”. For example, “I will start dieting after the holidays” or “I’ll wait until after the kids go back to school” are excellent excuses for anyone who is wavering on starting a diet and exercise program. The key is to leave yourself some wiggle room.
7.Don’t hire a coach or recruit a work out partner. Accountability is the underachievers worst nightmare. The last thing you need is a success strategy and a partner that will hold you accountable for your results!
8.Make sure that you have plenty of distractions. The more distractions you are able to create the less time you will have to address or focus on your objectives. Be creative, distractions should be fun!
9. Think small. The smaller you think the less you have to worry about. Owning a larger home, a nicer car or saving money for a family dream vacation is just going to heap more responsibility on you. Your little box is warm and cozy, DON”T ROCK THE BOAT!!!
10. AVOID personal growth! It is imperative that you shy away from motivational books, tapes, speakers or blogs. The messages they put forth are only going to confuse you. Remember, YOU are an underachiever, the world needs you. Don’t fall for the hype!
Hopefully you have found this message to be uplifting and helpful. I know that with just a TINY bit of effort, you can continue to live within the confines of mediocrity.
As always we love to hear your feedback!