“All I can say is men SUCK and I’m through with them”! This loving answer came in response to my question…”so tell me, how was your weekend”? Kathy (not her real name) is a client who has worked her way up through the ranks of corporate America and currently commands a mid six figure salary. She also competes in iron man events and sits on the board of a national non-profit organization. Kathy is a type A personality and has never been married or had children.
As this particular coaching session evolved, it became obvious to me why Kathy was having such a hard time meeting “Mr. Right”. Her “MUST HAVE LIST” (great for real estate, bad for dating) is a mile long and although she views it as a list of the “qualifications” her “perfect partner” must possess, in reality it is a detailed “list” of justifications she can conveniently cite as reasons for disqualifying a potential suitor. Like millions of others, Kathy uses her “list” to keep from opening up and allowing herself to become vulnerable. By systematically disqualifying her potential suitors for any violation of her “unspoken expectations” she can continue to tell and maintain the LIE that men SUCK!
MEN DO THE SAME THING…
For some men, cosmetics play an important role in their “disqualification” process. Because a lot of men place an emphasis on a females appearance, many miss the opportunity to connect with a wealth of truly amazing women who don’t happen to fit into the anorexic, super model. porn queen image they have determined a female partner should personify. *Men, you know it’s true, that’s why you are laughing! Men often trade “must have lists” for “cosmetic lists” which they conveniently use as a “chicken exit” to escape from their FEAR of vulnerability and commitment. *In fairness, many women are also quite adept at playing the appearance card.
BECOMING THE PERSON WE SEEK TO ATTRACT…
We will never be able to attract the “right person” into our lives until we BECOME the person we desire to attract. “Must have lists” or “disqualifying” people based on physical, racial, religious or other “perceived flaws or differences” is an avoidance strategy hand delivered by the Ego to keep us in bondage to our FEAR of vulnerability! There is always going to be some level of risk when we give ourselves permission to be vulnerable, however, it is a risk we must be willing to take. My client, Kathy, is comfortable in competitive environments but way outside her comfort zone when it comes to intimate relationships with men. We are currently exploring her past and confronting the roots of her fear around getting “to close” to a man. Once Kathy experiences her breakthrough her “list of demands” will become very short.
TIME TO THROW AWAY OUR “MUST HAVE LISTS” AND REPLACE THEM WITH OUR “MUST BECOME LISTS”…
Here are a few suggestions for our “must become lists”…
*Become a person of compassionate understanding. Rather than judge others based on appearances, get to know them as people. In other words, check out their soul and base your decision on that experience.
*Become a person who is fun to be around. We live in a high tech, fast paced world in which far too many of us have forgotten how to have fun! Rigid, uptight people are “buzz killers”, don’t become one!!! Laugh often and laugh hard, it can add years to your life or make the time you have left far more enjoyable for those around you!
*Become a person of kindness. Random acts of kindness are good for the soul. I know that when I give of my time, treasure and talent, I feel great! I know that those who benefit from my random acts of kindness also experience a similar feeling of happiness. This is what it means to live a win-win life!
*Live FREE from expectations. The majority of our pain comes from unfulfilled expectations. We expect others to conform to our way of thinking. We expect them to understand what we are feeling, acknowledge our pain and we expect them to conform to what is most comfortable for US. At the first hint of resistance many of us become angry, upset and quickly banish “the offender” from our lives. This is a highly unconscious way to live.
If you want to attract fun people into your life BE A FUN PERSON!
If you want to attract honest people into your life BE HONEST!
If you want to attract compassionate people into your life BE COMPASSIONATE!
If you want to attract acceptance into your life DON’T JUDGE OTHERS!
If you want to attract kindness into your life BE KIND!
OPPOSITES ATTRACT IS NONSENSE!!!
If this theory were true then it is safe to assume that if I am a kind, honest person, I would be attracted to a mean spirited liar. In reality we attract who WE have become.
As always I look forward to your thoughts and feedback!